Amazon has everything. With a couple clicks of a mouse, you can have the oddest items delivered to your front door within days or even hours. But, judging from our list, this may not always be a good thing. Here are 11 ridiculous Amazon products that you can currently buy:
For a mere $150,000, you can bring home this original 1570 masterpiece by Bernardino Campi. This is the most expensive item I’ve found on Amazon, which makes it strange to find a glaring typo in the very first sentence of the “About This Artwork” section of the listing: “masperpiece.” Maybe it was on purpose because it can’t be considered a real masterpiece? No one will ever know. Anyway, if you decide to buy this, you should know that it isn’t eligible for Amazon Prime, and you have to shell out $100 for shipping.
There are approximately ten different Nicolas Cage pillowcases for you to choose from on Amazon. Who doesn’t want to spend every night with their face nestled in the chest hairs of this Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans star? And, just for kicks, here is a four-minute video of Nicolas Cage losing his mind (contains blue language.)
One year for Halloween, a couple friends got all dolled up in fancy (faux) furs, sparkly jewelry, and so on. The only odd thing about their outfits was that they had tiny doll hands in place of their usual womanly hands. They would gesticulate with them, and it was always funny. Oddly enough, I was Edward Corndoghands that year. It was a very handsy party.
This could actually be quite useful if you have a garden and are looking for a way to get rid of slow-moving insects, such as aphids or mites. Of course, the marketers of this product go off the rails when they say that ladybugs are great for birthday parties. Maybe I’m just not creative enough or I’m not getting invited to the right parties, but when have you ever attended a birthday party that would have benefitted from 1500 ladybugs?
I’m not a fan of the worldwide diamond trade. There are better ways to show love than destroying countries and their people. For instance, for under $10, you can get a silicone engagement ring. It comes with a lifetime warranty and can handle any activities you may engage in. Also, keep in mind that $10 is much more than the recommended two months of wages when you don’t have any income.
Do you have never-nude hands? Would you like a creative way to cover your shame? Handerpants are here to save the day. The name is a portmantombination of “hand” and “underpants.” And, this product has “hundreds of uses” according to their marketing materials. Unfortunately, they don’t list any of the uses. I just hope they create miniature Handerpants to go on finger hands.
Kids have it easy these days. When I was a lad, I had to put in the work to separate all of the marshmallows from their less-tasty, grained cereal friends. All of this had to be done stealthily because parents are real dicks about just eating the marshmallows. Anyway, here’s 40 pounds of cereal marshmallows for you. For a good time, read the reviews.
The reason this made the list of ridiculous Amazon products is that it doesn’t actually contain any real unicorn meat. It’s false advertising. Inside is a stuffed unicorn busted up into pieces. The least they could have done was surgically implanted a horn on a horse then killed it and canned its meat. But, they couldn’t be bothered. Ridiculous.
When I was in fifth grade, we were supposed to bring in a box with an object inside, and the other kids were supposed to guess what was inside by shaking the box. This was one of those vaguely scientific activities. I thought I’d be clever and bring in a box that only contained air. The teacher didn’t think I was clever. Anyway, this product isn’t really nothing. The package is full of air…and marketing and branding.
It’s only a matter of time before the Brainses are gifted this surprisingly useful product. You see, we already have a Squatty Potty and a bidet. We clearly like to trick out our toilet. The GlowBowl is motion activated so you can keep the light off when you have to pee in the night. It then allegedly turns off on its own, but the reviewers say otherwise.
11. Cat Turntable
Make this Caturday special by setting your furry friend up with some turntables. Unfortunately, you cannot play real records on this or hook up speakers to it. You know what? This is stupid. Your cat wants Technics.
What ridiculous Amazon products have you seen? Share them with us!