A Brainiac recently contacted us because he wanted the world to know about the best toilet paper you can buy: Panda Ultra Premium Toilet Paper. Unfortunately, I can’t just take people’s word for what the best toilet paper is. I need to research it and get the opinions of hundreds of consumers and experts. So, that’s what I did. And, while Panda Ultra Premium has great ratings from consumers, there are better options for keeping your nether regions clean. I will explore these with minimal potty humor.
What I Use and Why You Won’t Like It
Our throne has a pretty sweet setup. We have a Squatty Potty. We have an Astor Bidet. And, we will have a LumiLux Advanced 16-Color Motion Sensor LED Toilet Bowl Night Light once we move to Michigan with our barber. With the bidet, our use of toilet paper is merely a formality. The Squatty Potty puts us in a good position to get work done, and the bidet does the heavy cleaning with a jet of refreshing water.
Therefore, much like a finger across the top of a dusty bureau, the toilet paper is just doing a little quality control check on the bidet’s work. And, much like sandpaper taking off the top layer of some wood thing, I prefer Scott 1000 Sheets Per Roll Toilet Paper. It’s the most economical option, it gets the job done without leaving debris behind, and it quenches one’s masochism. Erin refers to it as “toilet paper for people who hate their butts.” Nonetheless, if you want to save money and have a hearty crotchal area, I recommend taking Scott 1000 for a test drive.
What Most People Will Prefer
There are a number of factors that go into a toilet paper buying decision. The people want TP that
- Can be found just about anywhere in large quantities
- Absorbs well so you aren’t walking around with a soggy mess in your undies
- Tears easily with one hand
- Doesn’t leave little bits of paper behind
- Leaves you clean
- Feels like you’re wiping yourself with a cloud
The fittingly named White Cloud brand does an excellent job of hitting all of the above categories, but it’s only found at some Walmart stores and nowhere else. And, I’ll be damned if I’m going to step foot in that place. If you have Amazon Prime, I recommend watching Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price.
Both the experts and consumers seem to agree that Cottonelle Ultra ComfortCare Family Roll Plus Toilet Paper is the best TP out there. Wirecutter and Your Best Digs performed in-depth testing of several different brands, and both concluded that Cottonelle reigned supreme due to its strength, absorbency, and it rarely left lint. There were a few downfalls to the Ultra ComfortCare: it doesn’t always rip off the roll cleanly, you can’t find it everywhere, and it’s somewhat pricey.
Verified purchasers on Amazon seem to like everything about this toilet paper except the price. Since it is a thick, two-ply TP, you don’t need to use as much. If you use seven or eight squares per wipe, you’re going to go through these rolls in no time. There are also several different Amazon entries for the Ultra ComfortCare toilet paper. The product page for Cottonelle Ultra ComfortCare Family Roll Plus Toilet Paper had the best deal as of this writing.
What Brainiacs Prefer
It’s worth noting that I could not find any expert reviews of the Panda Ultra Premium Toilet Paper. This could mean it just isn’t on the radar for many people, and perhaps our Brainiac is ahead of the curve with this TP. He loved it so much that he wrote to us about it. Who would have that level of passion for a toilet paper that isn’t that good?
Anyway, we asked other Brainiacs what they thought the best TP was. There were a few votes for Cottonelle Ultra ComfortCare and Costco’s Kirkland brand toilet paper, but the favorite was Charmin Ultra Strong. Charmin Ultra Strong rivals Cottonelle in absorbency and strength, but it costs more. If you can find it for cheaper than Cottonelle, we recommend picking it up!
What’s the Best Toilet Paper for You?
Butts are like opinions: we all have our own unique one. Therefore, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to which toilet paper is the best. You’re going to have to experiment. Fortunately, it’s a low-price commodity, and you can generally buy a roll or two to try out. I recommend starting with the four varieties we discussed:
You may want to consider buying your TP online, especially if you are self-conscious about people thinking you are going to blow up a bathroom with your brown-town bombs (BTBs.) Sure, buying toilet paper in bulk generally saves money. However, you do broadcast to everyone who sees you in the store that you may currently or will likely soon have diarrhea. At least, that’s what I immediately assume: “Watch out! Poopy guy coming through!”
Oh yeah, and once you find a type of TP you like, you can save by using Amazon’s Subscribe and Save feature. Because, no matter how much I like to believe that a particular 36-roll pack will be my final TP purchase, I end up having to go back for more. It’s an addiction really.
What do you like on your butt? Please comment below!