I can’t watch the new season of a TV show without first going through every single old episode. Often times, I end up not even watching the new season. Anyway, this is not about my tragic flaws. This is about Curb Your Enthusiasm or, more like, Curb Your White Privilege, amirite? Anyway, in the first season, Larry doesn’t even know where to begin when it comes to gift wrapping. He’s caught up on the fact that he has to go to like four different stores to get the scissors, tape, wrapping paper, bows, and card. If only he knew about Amazon.
To help you with this problem, which I have a feeling you may face soon, I have put together this list of awesome wrapping paper designs that will impress everyone who receives gifts from you.
Do you have a special goth person in your life who paints their nails black like their soul? This is the perfect wrapping paper for that adorable loved one. Keep in mind, you only get 18 square feet of paper with this one so make sure you really do love them.
If you are prone to coronary problems, this cute kitty meow-meow paper should be avoided because it will melt your heart. You know how Santa Claus was some weird white dude? What if he was a little purry butt instead? That’s the alternate reality that plays out on this wrapping paper.
Remember the USSR? Well, it’s back in wrapping paper form! When you use this to wrap a present, the recipient will feel obligated to carefully unwrap it so they can hang it on their wall for posterity. Watch their children grow up with a screwed up understanding of the world. This product comes with everything you need to wrap a present: tape, twine, and tags.
Caspari is the big name in fancy gift wrap paper. This item is made to resemble sheet music, only at a much higher price than real sheet music. It’s the ideal way to present a gift to your church organist or the lead singer of your favorite band, Smashmouth. If you know how to read sheet music, you will notice that the wrapping paper is showing the main theme to Sanford & Sons.
Do you know any superheroes? Of course, you do. We all do. Now, you can get that caped wonder in your life some wrapping paper that reminds them of the fights they’ve gotten into. Who doesn’t want to be reminded of the skirmishes they’ve been in?
Are you tired of the low spending limits at white elephant gift exchanges? Sneak in a little extra spending with white elephant wrapping paper. Pro-Tip: never buy anything new for a white elephant exchange. It’s wasteful. Instead, regift something you’ve received in previous years or go to a second-hand store.
Referees are people too, and they deserve gifts just as much as everyone else. Fortunately, zoologists recently discovered a rare zebra species with lime green and black stripes. They’ve killed these majestic beasts to bring us the perfect wrapping paper for people who whistle at misbehaving athletes.
If you think about it, no one outside your guild really understands you. You spend a lot of time with these friends, and it’s only natural for you to exchange presents on important holidays, like birthdays, National Hot Dog Days, and Festivuses. This is the perfect paper for these occasions.
If all of the above options suck, there are also plenty of online retailers who will help you design your own gift wrap featuring a blown-up extreme close-up of your left eyeball. It’s odd, but that’s the only design a lot of sites will allow.
You may also want the following to get to completion:
- Westcott 8″ Straight Titanium Bonded Scissors
- Scotch Transparent Tape
- Gold, White, Green, Blue, Red Pull Bows
- Jumbo Christmas Gift Tag Stickers
If all else fails, you can just do what I do: have someone else do the wrapping for you.
Merry War on Christmas!