Halloween was invented to give adults the opportunity to relive their youth. This includes drinking too much and perhaps not making the best decisions about what to do with their genitals. Since this is what Halloween is all about, I’ve put together a few ideas for costumes you should consider. The costumes I’m recommending work well while intoxicated, are well made and have a great track record, and (probably) are not culturally insensitive.
Also, keep in mind that costumes tend to sell out. It doesn’t make sense for most manufacturers to make more than they need and risk having to store them for another year. Therefore, it behooves you to get your act together now.
Everyone loves bacon, even the Jewish peoples and vegans. There’s just something about the smell of it that brings us together. Therefore, you will be the life of the party if you dress as bacon. I recommend rubbing fresh bacon grease on your body to get the smell as well. Bonus points if your name is Kevin or Sir Francis because you will also have a pun to joke about all night.
Why not be one of the greatest movie characters ever? According to Brains Report’s Department of Nonsense Statistics, 93% of party goers are dissatisfied with their Halloween costume because no one recognizes who they are. Sorry, we just don’t get your obscure references. Anyway, avoid this problem with the instantly-recognizable Stay Puft costume.
3. Guy Fieri
Other than our president, is there any American sexier than Guy Fieri? Doubtful. If eating like a slob, getting tanked, and engaging in risky sexual behavior is your idea of a great Halloween, then Guy Fieri is the way to go. All you really need is one accessory, and you’re set:
Vikings are hot right now, and no one considers dressing up like one to be cultural appropriation yet. So, now is the time to dress like you’re in Game of Thrones or that one historical drama television series on the History Channel starring Gustaf Skarsgård. I can’t remember the name of it, but I think it might be Old-Timey Boatmen.
5. Giant Fat Thing
Remember when Violet Beauregarde ate Willy Wonka’s gum when it was still in its testing stages and turned into a giant blueberry? Well, you can be that petulant ten-year-old when you buy the blue version of this costume.
I’m not talking about stupid frat boys dressing up as pimps, taking the outfit a little too seriously, and making everyone uncomfortable. Just don’t, frat boys. Instead, if you have an adorable son, dress him up as a pimp, and you can dress like someone who escorts people to social events. Erin actually did this one year when Jerome was a toddler. Ladies might also consider dressing as pimps and acting aggressively toward men at parties.
Savvy costume shoppers know to buy outfits that they can use for several holidays. Oktoberfest is already in the rearview mirror, but that doesn’t mean you can’t wear this costume for Halloween. Pour your Coors Light into a stein to really complete the look.
8. Santa Claus
This is another costume you can use for several occasions: Halloween, Christmas, Christmas in July, Santa Runs, Arbor Day, etc. Pair this outfit with a Rhode Island Cap Gun to defend your holiday in the War on Christmas.
I only recommend you do this one if you are not going to be the DD for the night. There are endless ways you can accessorize from Luwint LED Colorful Flashing Finger Lighting Gloves to the Guy Fieri visor above to JNCO Men’s Mammoth Jeans.
10. Jesus Riding a Dinosaur
We all know that Jesus rode around on a dinosaur. Otherwise, where did all of those fossils come from? This costume wasn’t specifically designed to feature Jesus on a dinosaur, but with a couple tweaks, you can easily capture the good ol’ days.
Do you have any brilliant ideas? Share them below!